Do you have any idea what its like to not want to get our of bed every morning, just because you don’t want to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what its like to be completely repulsed by things you used to cherish and love? To feel completely lost in the dark and not knowing if there’s a way out? When you feel like you don't have the strength to make it through to the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel, at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you’re okay until it gets to a point where no one asks, which makes you wonder if they don’t notice or if they just don’t care? To have no energy to do anything? How about to feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have no control whatsoever, over anything? To not know where you belong? To feel trapped in a world full of ugly and nasty things? The feeling of being afraid of whats on the other side? To be hurting constantly? To know there’s no one to save you from the way you feel? To realise the only one truly hurting you is yourself and there’s nothing you can do about it?

This is how I feel. Every single day.

Exactly 4 months and 1 day ago, we met for the very first time. Ridiculous isn’t it? How quickly this complete stranger became the one I cherished most. Its stupid really. I don’t trust easily, I told you that. It hurt when I let go, but I knew it was for the best. I had to do it, for myself. You left, just like I knew you would, and I accepted that. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I cried. But I accepted it. You weren’t good for me. Case closed.

Then I find this amazing guy. He reminds me so much of you its horrifying. The way you tilt your head, that smirk you do, you guys love the same movies, you’re both soft spoken, etc. It hurts every time I’m with him. The things he does, makes me think of you. Maybe thats why my guard is up more than usual. You made me this pathetic, low self esteem, psychopath. I can’t let him in the way I did with you. I really want to, I just can’t. Im terrified that history will repeat itself. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even try with him. Not only because I’m scared he’ll hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to have him love me, or so he says, and not completely feel the same way. Maybe one day, I’d get over this whole thing and be normal again.

The reason why all this suddenly exploded in my face is because you keep popping out, everywhere. What does this mean? Lets just leave it at that.

I sincerely apologise for being such a brat about this. Give me time. I’ll get over it.

I just experienced the best first kiss anyone could ask for. It felt like the ones that you only see in movies.

You know those typical goodnight kisses? He walks you to your door, and you hug him around his neck so his arms are around your waist. Then you pull away and he doesn’t let go. Then you lean in to kiss him and yeah. Magic. Fireworks. Call it what you want, it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before.

This didn’t feel just like lips. I suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I got butterflies in my tummy and my cheeks were burning up, beginning to blush. The blood and adrenaline rushing through my veins in a way I have never felt before. My heart was beating so fast I could’ve sworn he could hear it.

He is my teenage dream. ♥

I hate that feeling you get just before you cry. I hate how your eyes start to dry out just before water fills them. I hate that lump you get in your throat. I hate how you start gasping cause you feel like you can hardly breathe. I hate the fact that you can't move and the moment you do, your heart feels like its about to explode and the tears will pour until they dry out.

Oh, I almost forgot. Its been a little over a month since I've met someone who is strangely special to me.

Its only been a month but I have this really weird connection with you already. You piss me off but I love it, and I know you do to. Ahahah. I find it funny how we argue over the most idiotic things, but at the end of the day we're back to normal

Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not usually like this, this isn't Desiree Michelle Fernandez. I'm the type of girl that gets close to someone but I never really fall for them because well, I'm terrified of being left behind. But with you its different, with you I feel safe. Which is fucking insane seeing as its you we're talking about. Yeah, I know about the things you do and about your past and shit, but I honestly don't care. I feel different with you and I like it.

I know there's an 80/20 chance that you're just going to get up, leave, and break my heart. But, I don't care. Because, even if it's only for awhile, at least I've had you. Ugh. I sound like some emo shit now. See what you've done to me?

Holding hands might just be the cutest thing ever. It’s such an intimate gesture, yet innocent at the same time. When you feel their hand touching the palm of yours it’s like the entire world is at your fingertips at that moment. And even better, the first time two people ever hold hands, is precious. When the person nudges at your hand and eventually slides their fingers interlocking with yours and you feel your cheeks getting warm, turning a shade of rosy pink and your heart pounding like drums. When they grasp on so tight like it would be impossible to let you go. How their hand just seems to fit right into yours as if it was meant to be that way. So beautiful and satisfying with a rush of different emotions. And just with the knowledge that your hands are linked together makes your hearts even fonder and you can literally feel how close you are to each other.

Look who hasn't been blogging in like forever! Hahahah. I've been so busy, its amazing. So, the most interesting thing that has happened to me since the last I've blogged was my BIRTHDAY PARTY. HEE :}

"Sweet sixteen
Gonna spread my wings
Sweet sixteen
It's my chance to shine
Sweet sixteen
Discovering
Sweet sixteen
So much more to life
Sweet sixteen"

Yeap, you guessed it, I'm sixteen years old! Hahahah. Here are some pictures from the party. I'm so thankful to all of you who came. I love all of you so so so much. You guys really made my night. <3

I am so sick and tired of listening to peoples problems. Oh my god.

Right now, I don't want to comfort you, I don't want to help you think of a solution, I don't want to be obliged to cheer you up, I don't want to wipe away your tears, I don't want to help you in any fucking way. I need to be comforted too. Every time I'm feeling down, I am forced to act like everything is okay because my friends are hurting too. I hide away my tears and pretend like nothing is wrong to help them. I just, don't think I can hide it anymore. I have cried buckets and buckets of tears and not one person has noticed. Shows how much you guys pay attention.

I've been nice. Its my turn to be selfish.

Dear people I know,

I just wanted to tell you all the truth about me. It may seem like I'm happy and all but, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm depressed or suicidal or whatever but, I'm just not happy. You may see me laughing, singing, dancing or smiling constantly but it's all an act. I go to the toilet in school sometimes cause I have minor breakdowns and I need a place where I can cry and no one will see me. I wear make up under my eyes all the time to cover up how red they are because I fell asleep crying the night before. No one notices. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this but, I can't open up to anyone I know. I haven't met someone that I can open up fully to. None of you get it. None of you are feeling what I'm feeling.

I feel abandoned. Fuck, I am abandoned. When I wasn't even two, my mother abandoned me. After that, I stayed with my grandparents cause my dad was working but I always felt like he abandoned me too. I always felt like he couldn't look at me long enough because apparently, I look like my mother. Then, Aunty Zab got married and we weren't close anymore. I know I'm being dramatic but, I felt abandoned again. Then, Uncle Zach got married and he changed. Don't get me wrong, I love Aunty Emelia but, after getting married to her, my favorite uncle became someone I barely knew. I felt abandoned by four important people already and I always thought, "Its okay. You still have Nenek and Grandpa." Then, all the kids started being born. I know that people have space in their hearts for more than one person but, it hurts every time I see everyone treating all the kids with so much affection while I'm just sitting in the corner as though I don't exist. The least anyone could do is acknowledge the fact that I'm there. Nope, the only time anyone talks to me is when they ask me to go do something.

Yes, I get that I may have jealousy issues but, you can't blame me. For twelve years of my life I've always felt loved completely by the six most important people in my life. But when the kids were born, no one talked to me anymore. The only conversations I had were with Uncle Zach, and they weren't really conversations. He would ask me about studies and I would tell him, then I'd be lectured. All the time. When you're in standard six, you still want to be treated like a kid. Especially if you've been the baby of the family your entire life. Honestly, after being the baby of the family for twelve years, then suddenly within four years, six other kids come in the picture, its really hard to adjust. I'm just not used seeing nenek call Eva her bushuk. I am her bushuk. I may sound extremely selfish and childish right now, but fuck it. Its how I feel. Its been bottled up for so long, accumulating, and I can't take it any longer.

Oh, I almost forgot. Honestly, the most painful one yet. When Uncle Jason left. All due respect to Daddy and Grandpa but, Uncle Jason was like a father to me. I know Grandpa thought me how to read and write but, I just had a connection with Uncle Jason that I didn't have with anyone else. I've known him since before I can remember, I have more memories with Uncle Jason than I do with daddy. He left when I was in standard six and that's it. I didn't even say bye because he left in the dead of night. I haven't seen him in four years. I've talked to him once or twice, small talk, nothing much. I miss him dearly. Uncle Jason thought me everything I know about photography. Now I can't look at a camera without thinking about him.

I know for a fact, this is why I don't believe in love. Think about it, if my own mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and gave life to me can just get up and leave, why can't everyone else. At first I was naive and believed that people really did love me, I was proven wrong every time. Every time I trusted anyone, they always betrayed that trust, the always used it against me. What's the point of believing in something that doesn't exist? What's the point in trusting someone who will just get up and leave just like almost everyone else in my life? What's the point of anything? It's as though god hates me. Some say he's testing me. No, he's not. He's just hurting me, over and over again. I really can't take it anymore. Don't be surprised if one day I just shut myself off from the world. No one really cares anyway. Everyone who's nice to me, is doing it because they want something from me. And yet, I honestly befriend people so easily. Hoping that they wont hurt me or use me like all the others. One after another, I'm proven wrong. What to do?

I honestly don't know what else to say. If I write anymore, I will start crying. So, I'll just stop here.

Meet Muhaimin Nasir. The most annoying sweetheart I've ever known.

Hahah. Don't go jumping to conclusions! I don't like him. I just feel like blogging about him cause he never fails to put a smile on my face.

Thank you Muhaimin! :)

So, I've been kinda down lately. Feels like my friends don't even care anymore. I keep trying to plan to go out or go over to someone's house or something but it never happens. It feels like I'm the only one making an effort now. I'm really trying here guys, and you guys just don't give a damn. You guys get to see each other every week so obviously you wouldn't care if you hang out on the weekends or not. But, I'm not in the same school anymore. I see you guys like once every two or three months sometimes. I miss you guys, so much. I guess you guys don't miss me.

Oh well. I've been trying and you guys haven't. I'm getting tired of being disappointed. If you guys don't wanna make an effort, why the hell should I? I know saying that may seem selfish but, you guys are being selfish too. Whatever it is, it was one heck of a ride.

Thanks for the memories.

First day of the second semester of school. Ngeh. Wasn't looking forward to it, neither was I dreading it. Got some of my Midterm results back. Lord. I'm gonna be home for the next month or so, I can feel it. BOO. :(

I swear I just watched on of the best hindi movies on the fucking planet. Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. It means, say you love me. Sigh. As you can tell, its a love story, and just like every other hindi movie, it made me cry my eye balls out every 20 minutes. The movie is 3 hours long, thats a lot of crying. Hahah. I feel dehydrated after watching that.

Movies like this, somehow gives me the slightest bit of hope that love, exists. Hah. Somebody shoot me. After watching this, I can't help but imagining being stranded on an island with the love of my life, then he dies and I go into depression, then I find a look-a-like and I fall in love with him! Hahahah. This is coming from the girl who doesn't believe in love.

"When I look into your eyes it's over
You got me hooked with your love controller
I'm tripping and I can not get over
I'm feeling lucky like a four leaf clover
Cos i'm into you
I'm into you"

Guess what? I'm so into him. Wait, correction. I'm into THEM. Both of them. My guilty pleasure and my somewhat best friend. Hahahah. What to do? What to do?

My guilty pleasure, I'm into him because he's fun and playful and fucking hard to get. Its a nice change that I'm chasing him as much as he's chasing me. Heheh

My somewhat best friend, I'm into him because he's such a sweetheart. He knows how to make me smile even though I've have a fucked up day. Sigh.

Fuck my life like right now. So confusing.

"Dont you see the light, boy.
I could blow your mind, boy.
Let me be your new toy.
I do what I want and I get what I want when I want it, w-want it, w-want it.
Im not gonna stop til I get what you got til I got it, g-got it, g-got it."

Heh. Remember that boy I wrote about? My guilty pleasure? Hahahah. Well, he is such a tease! Hot and cold. Lord, its so frustrating. But I like it. Hahahah. Its keeping me interested. Fuck this is fun. :}

"no time to wait on the side,
watching it all pass me by,
i'm gonna be in the game,
watch me play it,
i'm coming with it ya know,
let's get to starting the show,
turn up the lights, hit the stage,
no more waiting."

I am a horrible human being. I can not believe what I did. I know nothing happened but, I still feel horrible. Ugh. Whatever it is, I had fun that day. Sigh. I actually wouldn't mind doing it again. You know what? I know this may sound horrible but, I have the right to be happy too. I'm tired of giving up my happiness so my friends can be happy. Ugh. This is ridiculous.

Guilt is a small price to pay for happiness.

Meet my biological mother, Sendi Munan, now known as Erika Krishnan. Mother to 5 children after me, namely, Gabrielle, Danielle, Michelle (ripped off my damn name), Isabelle, and Samuel. Wife to David Krishnan. She now lives somewhere in Australia. Hmm. What else do I know about this stranger? Nothing.

Yeap, I know nothing about my own mother. Why? She left me. When I was barely two years old. Not only did she leave me, she hasn't even tried to contact me. I haven't spoken or heard from her in fifteen years. Fuck she left before I spoke, walked or had hair. I know I always tell my friends that I don't care or whatever because "I don't know her. How can you miss or even care about someone you don't know?" and for the longest time I believed that. Recently she's been on my mind and I don't know why. Maybe she's dying or something. Ugh. I should take that back.

I hate this woman so fucking much you have no idea.

"Five-thousand miles with * traffic of you in my mind,
There'll be pain, there'll be glory.
Girl you don't need to worry;
Cause my heart will wait.
My heart will wait for you.
My heart will wait.
My hearts gonna wait for you always."

Songs like this, bullshit. Total bullshit. Yes, I don't believe in love. You may care for someone with all your heart, but unless they raised you, you don't really love them. And songs like this irritate the hell out of me. I don't freaking care if its a good song or not, its a lie. I bet the person who wrote this song no longer feels this way about the person they wrote it about. Ugh.

I mean, I don't even know why, but I just get so irritated when I think about the meaning behind the songs. There are like sixteen year olds writing songs about love and how they'll love you forever and all that crap. Are you for real? You don't even know what love is. Nobody does. They say you'll feel it and you'll know its love. Who the fuck is this 'they' everyone is always referring to? I bet 'they' were high when they told you that.

Love is fake, totally fictional. Its just an excuse for people to have sex.

"A lot of girls are sexy
But you know how to use it
You can keep me
Up on the phone all night
We say let's hang up on three
But we don't ever do it
Ain't it crazy
How after all this time
We got that you hang up
No, you hang up kinda love"

No U Hang Up - Shayne Ward. My current obsession. Hahahah. I want a 'you hand up, no, you hang up, kinda love' too! Ugh. Don't mind me, I'll just be here, jealous as fuck.

"I know your type, boy you're dangerous,
You're that guy, I'd be stupid to trust,
But just one night couldn't be so wrong,
You make me wanna loose control"

Recently, I've been thinking about a certain someone. This person, I know for a fact, isn't healthy for me. But that isn't stopping me. Lord. I just feel like just doing things without thinking them through. I'm sick of following rules and playing safe.

Tell me how dumb I am right now.

"Tonight I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Let's do it tonight"

This song got me thinking. What if I died tomorrow? What have I done with my life? I know I'm only sixteen and haven't lived that long but, I have literally done nothing with my life. It scares me, thinking about death. Not because I'm afraid of dying, but because I'm afraid of dying and leaving behind a life not lived.

I need to start doing something with my life and stop waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I need to get over my self esteem issues and not give a damn about what people may think about me. "As long as you are happy, nothing else matters." is what I always tell people. I should learn to take my own advice.

69 years ago, an amazing man was brought into this world. That man is my grandfather. He and my grandmother basically raised me even though they didn't have to, and for that I am forever grateful. We may bicker and fight almost all the time, but you are and will always be the father I never had.

You thought me what real music is, how to play the piano, dance the waltz, ride a bike, play hockey, use a computer, drive (even though I almost gave you a heart attack with my terrible driving skills), and many more. I don't know how to do tell you how much I really do love you, but I do.

Happy 69th birthday grandpa. You always say that you don't want me to ever find someone to love because you think I'd forget about you. I love you with all my heart grandpa. <3

"Cause I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don't care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me"

Lord. I am so in the mood right now. I haven't done anything for one year and one month already. Kill me now. I have needs! Kinky needs, but still needs. Ugh. This is so frustrating.

"You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast"

I hate that you think you know everything. So what if you don't agree with what I'm doing? I don't see how it's your problem. Its my life, my decisions and I don't have to ask you before I do anything. Who do you think you are? My parent? Even my parents don't make me tell them everything I've done, or I'm about to do.

Yes some of the things I do are dumb but, if I mess up or get into trouble, it'll be my fault cause it was my mistake. It doesn't concern you. So stop sticking your nose into my problems even though you're 'trying to help'.

If I want your help, I'll ask.

"You're so fine, I want you mine, you're so delicious
I think about you all the time, you're so addictive"

Okay this may sound really really sad but, I want a boyfriend. Hahahah. Hey, call me crazy but I love the feeling you get when you have a boyfriend. And believe it or not, it doesn't bother me that when you have a boyfriend you're kinda put on a leash.

The truth is, I miss waking up in the morning and looking forward to seeing my boyfriend. I miss getting good morning texts. I miss getting wake up calls cause my alarm doesn't always work. I miss having someone I could just hug and cuddle up to all the time and no one could say shit about it. Sigh.

So if anyone has a single friend, call me ;) Hahahah.

"Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection" - Lady Gaga

I don't know why I trust you. Honestly, I don't even know why we're still friends. All you do is judge me and always side the person I'm against. If I'm wrong and you don't agree, I don't mind. But you don't have to keep going on and on about how I'm wrong and the other person is right. Hello? Some support would be good. -.-

Funny Little World just started playing on my iTunes. Sigh. I miss you.

"And I don't know for sure where this is going
Still I hope for more and more
'Cause who would know that you would treat me like a boy
And I treat you like a girl in this funny little world"

Its amazing how this song used to mean so much to me. Now whenever I hear it, I think of you. Why? It was the song you sang to me and before you sang it, you told me you meant every single word. Bullshit. I can't believe I was so naive. Ugh.

You would think that I learnt my lesson. Nope. My heart still skips a beat when you start talking to me and I get butterflies in my tummy. Yes, I still like you. I've been trying to forget you but nothing seems to be working. You still pop in my head every once in awhile. Sigh. It doesn't help that somehow, you start talking to me whenever I think of you. Why are you doing this to me? Stop giving me false hope that I'll get the one thing I want most right now.

Just leave me alone. Please. I can't take it anymore.