Dear people I know,

I just wanted to tell you all the truth about me. It may seem like I'm happy and all but, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm depressed or suicidal or whatever but, I'm just not happy. You may see me laughing, singing, dancing or smiling constantly but it's all an act. I go to the toilet in school sometimes cause I have minor breakdowns and I need a place where I can cry and no one will see me. I wear make up under my eyes all the time to cover up how red they are because I fell asleep crying the night before. No one notices. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this but, I can't open up to anyone I know. I haven't met someone that I can open up fully to. None of you get it. None of you are feeling what I'm feeling.

I feel abandoned. Fuck, I am abandoned. When I wasn't even two, my mother abandoned me. After that, I stayed with my grandparents cause my dad was working but I always felt like he abandoned me too. I always felt like he couldn't look at me long enough because apparently, I look like my mother. Then, Aunty Zab got married and we weren't close anymore. I know I'm being dramatic but, I felt abandoned again. Then, Uncle Zach got married and he changed. Don't get me wrong, I love Aunty Emelia but, after getting married to her, my favorite uncle became someone I barely knew. I felt abandoned by four important people already and I always thought, "Its okay. You still have Nenek and Grandpa." Then, all the kids started being born. I know that people have space in their hearts for more than one person but, it hurts every time I see everyone treating all the kids with so much affection while I'm just sitting in the corner as though I don't exist. The least anyone could do is acknowledge the fact that I'm there. Nope, the only time anyone talks to me is when they ask me to go do something.

Yes, I get that I may have jealousy issues but, you can't blame me. For twelve years of my life I've always felt loved completely by the six most important people in my life. But when the kids were born, no one talked to me anymore. The only conversations I had were with Uncle Zach, and they weren't really conversations. He would ask me about studies and I would tell him, then I'd be lectured. All the time. When you're in standard six, you still want to be treated like a kid. Especially if you've been the baby of the family your entire life. Honestly, after being the baby of the family for twelve years, then suddenly within four years, six other kids come in the picture, its really hard to adjust. I'm just not used seeing nenek call Eva her bushuk. I am her bushuk. I may sound extremely selfish and childish right now, but fuck it. Its how I feel. Its been bottled up for so long, accumulating, and I can't take it any longer.

Oh, I almost forgot. Honestly, the most painful one yet. When Uncle Jason left. All due respect to Daddy and Grandpa but, Uncle Jason was like a father to me. I know Grandpa thought me how to read and write but, I just had a connection with Uncle Jason that I didn't have with anyone else. I've known him since before I can remember, I have more memories with Uncle Jason than I do with daddy. He left when I was in standard six and that's it. I didn't even say bye because he left in the dead of night. I haven't seen him in four years. I've talked to him once or twice, small talk, nothing much. I miss him dearly. Uncle Jason thought me everything I know about photography. Now I can't look at a camera without thinking about him.

I know for a fact, this is why I don't believe in love. Think about it, if my own mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and gave life to me can just get up and leave, why can't everyone else. At first I was naive and believed that people really did love me, I was proven wrong every time. Every time I trusted anyone, they always betrayed that trust, the always used it against me. What's the point of believing in something that doesn't exist? What's the point in trusting someone who will just get up and leave just like almost everyone else in my life? What's the point of anything? It's as though god hates me. Some say he's testing me. No, he's not. He's just hurting me, over and over again. I really can't take it anymore. Don't be surprised if one day I just shut myself off from the world. No one really cares anyway. Everyone who's nice to me, is doing it because they want something from me. And yet, I honestly befriend people so easily. Hoping that they wont hurt me or use me like all the others. One after another, I'm proven wrong. What to do?

I honestly don't know what else to say. If I write anymore, I will start crying. So, I'll just stop here.