It pains me thinking about my old friends. We used to be so close. We used to talk every night and share everything with each other. Now, I'm not included in anything anymore. I guess it's because I moved to a new school last year. But still! Nothing can change the fact that it hurts seeing pictures and tweets of outings that I wasn't invited to. I don't even know what to think anymore. I've tried clinging on but that doesn't seem to change anything. It just makes me feel even more unwanted. So yeah, I'm done trying. Not because I'm fed up of being the extra wheel when it comes to you guys, but because I don't want to bother you anymore. If you really don't want me around anymore, then I wont force myself onto your lives.

I'm sorry for everything I've done. Thanks for the lessons you've thought me, the advice you've given me, the shoulder you've lent me. Thanks for picking me up whenever I was down, for the memories, for making me laugh when I forgot how to, and especially thanks for being there. Thank you for being my best friends. You guys were once a big part of my life and I'd like to think I was a big part of yours too. I love you guys.

I've been neglecting my blog. So sorry. Been so busy with school and what not. SPM this year. Yikes. Now that I've moved back to nenek's place I'll be on more often. Thank god for that.

6604.12

Forever and always ♥

Have you ever been so upset you just locked yourself in your room and you just completely broke down all by yourself? Your parents cant tell and neither can your friends because you hide it behind your laughs and smiles. You are the only one who knows how you really feel. You feel the weight of this on your shoulders and you wish you could share this with someone but you don't bother because everyone else has their own lives to deal with. So all there is to do is to store all your problems, all your sorrows, all your tears, all your hurt and all your pain, and save it for another day. You'll take it all out someday. But not today. Today's not the day.

Cause here's to all those nights you dealt with way more than you bargained for. Here's to the nights where you couldn't wait for everyone to just grow up so they'd stop judging you. Here's to all those sleepless nights you spent crying so hard you could barely breathe. Here's to those nights all you did was wish that when you woke up, everything would just be better. Here's to all those good nights that turned bad. Here's to all the nights you wished so hard you'd be older so you could make your own decisions. Most of all, here's to those nights that came too soon.

I can't promise you the whole world, but I can try to give you a very happy life. I can't promise you that I'll never yell at you, but I can try to be patient with you, most of the time. I can't promise you I'll never make mistakes, but I can try my best to correct my faults. I can't promise you that I'll catch you every time you fall, but I will try to always be close so I can help you back up. I can't promise that our love will last forever like in fairy tales, but I can promise you that no matter what happens between us, I'll never forget the memories that I've made with you. ♥

Do you have any idea what its like to not want to get our of bed every morning, just because you don’t want to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what its like to be completely repulsed by things you used to cherish and love? To feel completely lost in the dark and not knowing if there’s a way out? When you feel like you don't have the strength to make it through to the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel, at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you’re okay until it gets to a point where no one asks, which makes you wonder if they don’t notice or if they just don’t care? To have no energy to do anything? How about to feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have no control whatsoever, over anything? To not know where you belong? To feel trapped in a world full of ugly and nasty things? The feeling of being afraid of whats on the other side? To be hurting constantly? To know there’s no one to save you from the way you feel? To realise the only one truly hurting you is yourself and there’s nothing you can do about it?

This is how I feel. Every single day.

Exactly 4 months and 1 day ago, we met for the very first time. Ridiculous isn’t it? How quickly this complete stranger became the one I cherished most. Its stupid really. I don’t trust easily, I told you that. It hurt when I let go, but I knew it was for the best. I had to do it, for myself. You left, just like I knew you would, and I accepted that. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I cried. But I accepted it. You weren’t good for me. Case closed.

Then I find this amazing guy. He reminds me so much of you its horrifying. The way you tilt your head, that smirk you do, you guys love the same movies, you’re both soft spoken, etc. It hurts every time I’m with him. The things he does, makes me think of you. Maybe thats why my guard is up more than usual. You made me this pathetic, low self esteem, psychopath. I can’t let him in the way I did with you. I really want to, I just can’t. Im terrified that history will repeat itself. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even try with him. Not only because I’m scared he’ll hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to have him love me, or so he says, and not completely feel the same way. Maybe one day, I’d get over this whole thing and be normal again.

The reason why all this suddenly exploded in my face is because you keep popping out, everywhere. What does this mean? Lets just leave it at that.

I sincerely apologise for being such a brat about this. Give me time. I’ll get over it.

I just experienced the best first kiss anyone could ask for. It felt like the ones that you only see in movies.

You know those typical goodnight kisses? He walks you to your door, and you hug him around his neck so his arms are around your waist. Then you pull away and he doesn’t let go. Then you lean in to kiss him and yeah. Magic. Fireworks. Call it what you want, it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before.

This didn’t feel just like lips. I suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I got butterflies in my tummy and my cheeks were burning up, beginning to blush. The blood and adrenaline rushing through my veins in a way I have never felt before. My heart was beating so fast I could’ve sworn he could hear it.

He is my teenage dream. ♥

I hate that feeling you get just before you cry. I hate how your eyes start to dry out just before water fills them. I hate that lump you get in your throat. I hate how you start gasping cause you feel like you can hardly breathe. I hate the fact that you can't move and the moment you do, your heart feels like its about to explode and the tears will pour until they dry out.

Oh, I almost forgot. Its been a little over a month since I've met someone who is strangely special to me.

Its only been a month but I have this really weird connection with you already. You piss me off but I love it, and I know you do to. Ahahah. I find it funny how we argue over the most idiotic things, but at the end of the day we're back to normal

Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not usually like this, this isn't Desiree Michelle Fernandez. I'm the type of girl that gets close to someone but I never really fall for them because well, I'm terrified of being left behind. But with you its different, with you I feel safe. Which is fucking insane seeing as its you we're talking about. Yeah, I know about the things you do and about your past and shit, but I honestly don't care. I feel different with you and I like it.

I know there's an 80/20 chance that you're just going to get up, leave, and break my heart. But, I don't care. Because, even if it's only for awhile, at least I've had you. Ugh. I sound like some emo shit now. See what you've done to me?

Holding hands might just be the cutest thing ever. It’s such an intimate gesture, yet innocent at the same time. When you feel their hand touching the palm of yours it’s like the entire world is at your fingertips at that moment. And even better, the first time two people ever hold hands, is precious. When the person nudges at your hand and eventually slides their fingers interlocking with yours and you feel your cheeks getting warm, turning a shade of rosy pink and your heart pounding like drums. When they grasp on so tight like it would be impossible to let you go. How their hand just seems to fit right into yours as if it was meant to be that way. So beautiful and satisfying with a rush of different emotions. And just with the knowledge that your hands are linked together makes your hearts even fonder and you can literally feel how close you are to each other.

Look who hasn't been blogging in like forever! Hahahah. I've been so busy, its amazing. So, the most interesting thing that has happened to me since the last I've blogged was my BIRTHDAY PARTY. HEE :}

"Sweet sixteen
Gonna spread my wings
Sweet sixteen
It's my chance to shine
Sweet sixteen
Discovering
Sweet sixteen
So much more to life
Sweet sixteen"

Yeap, you guessed it, I'm sixteen years old! Hahahah. Here are some pictures from the party. I'm so thankful to all of you who came. I love all of you so so so much. You guys really made my night. <3

I am so sick and tired of listening to peoples problems. Oh my god.

Right now, I don't want to comfort you, I don't want to help you think of a solution, I don't want to be obliged to cheer you up, I don't want to wipe away your tears, I don't want to help you in any fucking way. I need to be comforted too. Every time I'm feeling down, I am forced to act like everything is okay because my friends are hurting too. I hide away my tears and pretend like nothing is wrong to help them. I just, don't think I can hide it anymore. I have cried buckets and buckets of tears and not one person has noticed. Shows how much you guys pay attention.

I've been nice. Its my turn to be selfish.

Dear people I know,

I just wanted to tell you all the truth about me. It may seem like I'm happy and all but, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm depressed or suicidal or whatever but, I'm just not happy. You may see me laughing, singing, dancing or smiling constantly but it's all an act. I go to the toilet in school sometimes cause I have minor breakdowns and I need a place where I can cry and no one will see me. I wear make up under my eyes all the time to cover up how red they are because I fell asleep crying the night before. No one notices. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this but, I can't open up to anyone I know. I haven't met someone that I can open up fully to. None of you get it. None of you are feeling what I'm feeling.

I feel abandoned. Fuck, I am abandoned. When I wasn't even two, my mother abandoned me. After that, I stayed with my grandparents cause my dad was working but I always felt like he abandoned me too. I always felt like he couldn't look at me long enough because apparently, I look like my mother. Then, Aunty Zab got married and we weren't close anymore. I know I'm being dramatic but, I felt abandoned again. Then, Uncle Zach got married and he changed. Don't get me wrong, I love Aunty Emelia but, after getting married to her, my favorite uncle became someone I barely knew. I felt abandoned by four important people already and I always thought, "Its okay. You still have Nenek and Grandpa." Then, all the kids started being born. I know that people have space in their hearts for more than one person but, it hurts every time I see everyone treating all the kids with so much affection while I'm just sitting in the corner as though I don't exist. The least anyone could do is acknowledge the fact that I'm there. Nope, the only time anyone talks to me is when they ask me to go do something.

Yes, I get that I may have jealousy issues but, you can't blame me. For twelve years of my life I've always felt loved completely by the six most important people in my life. But when the kids were born, no one talked to me anymore. The only conversations I had were with Uncle Zach, and they weren't really conversations. He would ask me about studies and I would tell him, then I'd be lectured. All the time. When you're in standard six, you still want to be treated like a kid. Especially if you've been the baby of the family your entire life. Honestly, after being the baby of the family for twelve years, then suddenly within four years, six other kids come in the picture, its really hard to adjust. I'm just not used seeing nenek call Eva her bushuk. I am her bushuk. I may sound extremely selfish and childish right now, but fuck it. Its how I feel. Its been bottled up for so long, accumulating, and I can't take it any longer.

Oh, I almost forgot. Honestly, the most painful one yet. When Uncle Jason left. All due respect to Daddy and Grandpa but, Uncle Jason was like a father to me. I know Grandpa thought me how to read and write but, I just had a connection with Uncle Jason that I didn't have with anyone else. I've known him since before I can remember, I have more memories with Uncle Jason than I do with daddy. He left when I was in standard six and that's it. I didn't even say bye because he left in the dead of night. I haven't seen him in four years. I've talked to him once or twice, small talk, nothing much. I miss him dearly. Uncle Jason thought me everything I know about photography. Now I can't look at a camera without thinking about him.

I know for a fact, this is why I don't believe in love. Think about it, if my own mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and gave life to me can just get up and leave, why can't everyone else. At first I was naive and believed that people really did love me, I was proven wrong every time. Every time I trusted anyone, they always betrayed that trust, the always used it against me. What's the point of believing in something that doesn't exist? What's the point in trusting someone who will just get up and leave just like almost everyone else in my life? What's the point of anything? It's as though god hates me. Some say he's testing me. No, he's not. He's just hurting me, over and over again. I really can't take it anymore. Don't be surprised if one day I just shut myself off from the world. No one really cares anyway. Everyone who's nice to me, is doing it because they want something from me. And yet, I honestly befriend people so easily. Hoping that they wont hurt me or use me like all the others. One after another, I'm proven wrong. What to do?

I honestly don't know what else to say. If I write anymore, I will start crying. So, I'll just stop here.

Meet Muhaimin Nasir. The most annoying sweetheart I've ever known.

Hahah. Don't go jumping to conclusions! I don't like him. I just feel like blogging about him cause he never fails to put a smile on my face.

Thank you Muhaimin! :)

So, I've been kinda down lately. Feels like my friends don't even care anymore. I keep trying to plan to go out or go over to someone's house or something but it never happens. It feels like I'm the only one making an effort now. I'm really trying here guys, and you guys just don't give a damn. You guys get to see each other every week so obviously you wouldn't care if you hang out on the weekends or not. But, I'm not in the same school anymore. I see you guys like once every two or three months sometimes. I miss you guys, so much. I guess you guys don't miss me.

Oh well. I've been trying and you guys haven't. I'm getting tired of being disappointed. If you guys don't wanna make an effort, why the hell should I? I know saying that may seem selfish but, you guys are being selfish too. Whatever it is, it was one heck of a ride.

Thanks for the memories.

First day of the second semester of school. Ngeh. Wasn't looking forward to it, neither was I dreading it. Got some of my Midterm results back. Lord. I'm gonna be home for the next month or so, I can feel it. BOO. :(

I swear I just watched on of the best hindi movies on the fucking planet. Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. It means, say you love me. Sigh. As you can tell, its a love story, and just like every other hindi movie, it made me cry my eye balls out every 20 minutes. The movie is 3 hours long, thats a lot of crying. Hahah. I feel dehydrated after watching that.

Movies like this, somehow gives me the slightest bit of hope that love, exists. Hah. Somebody shoot me. After watching this, I can't help but imagining being stranded on an island with the love of my life, then he dies and I go into depression, then I find a look-a-like and I fall in love with him! Hahahah. This is coming from the girl who doesn't believe in love.

"When I look into your eyes it's over
You got me hooked with your love controller
I'm tripping and I can not get over
I'm feeling lucky like a four leaf clover
Cos i'm into you
I'm into you"

Guess what? I'm so into him. Wait, correction. I'm into THEM. Both of them. My guilty pleasure and my somewhat best friend. Hahahah. What to do? What to do?

My guilty pleasure, I'm into him because he's fun and playful and fucking hard to get. Its a nice change that I'm chasing him as much as he's chasing me. Heheh

My somewhat best friend, I'm into him because he's such a sweetheart. He knows how to make me smile even though I've have a fucked up day. Sigh.

Fuck my life like right now. So confusing.

"Dont you see the light, boy.
I could blow your mind, boy.
Let me be your new toy.
I do what I want and I get what I want when I want it, w-want it, w-want it.
Im not gonna stop til I get what you got til I got it, g-got it, g-got it."

Heh. Remember that boy I wrote about? My guilty pleasure? Hahahah. Well, he is such a tease! Hot and cold. Lord, its so frustrating. But I like it. Hahahah. Its keeping me interested. Fuck this is fun. :}