I am so sick and tired of listening to peoples problems. Oh my god.

Right now, I don't want to comfort you, I don't want to help you think of a solution, I don't want to be obliged to cheer you up, I don't want to wipe away your tears, I don't want to help you in any fucking way. I need to be comforted too. Every time I'm feeling down, I am forced to act like everything is okay because my friends are hurting too. I hide away my tears and pretend like nothing is wrong to help them. I just, don't think I can hide it anymore. I have cried buckets and buckets of tears and not one person has noticed. Shows how much you guys pay attention.

I've been nice. Its my turn to be selfish.

Dear people I know,

I just wanted to tell you all the truth about me. It may seem like I'm happy and all but, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm depressed or suicidal or whatever but, I'm just not happy. You may see me laughing, singing, dancing or smiling constantly but it's all an act. I go to the toilet in school sometimes cause I have minor breakdowns and I need a place where I can cry and no one will see me. I wear make up under my eyes all the time to cover up how red they are because I fell asleep crying the night before. No one notices. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this but, I can't open up to anyone I know. I haven't met someone that I can open up fully to. None of you get it. None of you are feeling what I'm feeling.

I feel abandoned. Fuck, I am abandoned. When I wasn't even two, my mother abandoned me. After that, I stayed with my grandparents cause my dad was working but I always felt like he abandoned me too. I always felt like he couldn't look at me long enough because apparently, I look like my mother. Then, Aunty Zab got married and we weren't close anymore. I know I'm being dramatic but, I felt abandoned again. Then, Uncle Zach got married and he changed. Don't get me wrong, I love Aunty Emelia but, after getting married to her, my favorite uncle became someone I barely knew. I felt abandoned by four important people already and I always thought, "Its okay. You still have Nenek and Grandpa." Then, all the kids started being born. I know that people have space in their hearts for more than one person but, it hurts every time I see everyone treating all the kids with so much affection while I'm just sitting in the corner as though I don't exist. The least anyone could do is acknowledge the fact that I'm there. Nope, the only time anyone talks to me is when they ask me to go do something.

Yes, I get that I may have jealousy issues but, you can't blame me. For twelve years of my life I've always felt loved completely by the six most important people in my life. But when the kids were born, no one talked to me anymore. The only conversations I had were with Uncle Zach, and they weren't really conversations. He would ask me about studies and I would tell him, then I'd be lectured. All the time. When you're in standard six, you still want to be treated like a kid. Especially if you've been the baby of the family your entire life. Honestly, after being the baby of the family for twelve years, then suddenly within four years, six other kids come in the picture, its really hard to adjust. I'm just not used seeing nenek call Eva her bushuk. I am her bushuk. I may sound extremely selfish and childish right now, but fuck it. Its how I feel. Its been bottled up for so long, accumulating, and I can't take it any longer.

Oh, I almost forgot. Honestly, the most painful one yet. When Uncle Jason left. All due respect to Daddy and Grandpa but, Uncle Jason was like a father to me. I know Grandpa thought me how to read and write but, I just had a connection with Uncle Jason that I didn't have with anyone else. I've known him since before I can remember, I have more memories with Uncle Jason than I do with daddy. He left when I was in standard six and that's it. I didn't even say bye because he left in the dead of night. I haven't seen him in four years. I've talked to him once or twice, small talk, nothing much. I miss him dearly. Uncle Jason thought me everything I know about photography. Now I can't look at a camera without thinking about him.

I know for a fact, this is why I don't believe in love. Think about it, if my own mother, the woman who carried me in her womb for nine months and gave life to me can just get up and leave, why can't everyone else. At first I was naive and believed that people really did love me, I was proven wrong every time. Every time I trusted anyone, they always betrayed that trust, the always used it against me. What's the point of believing in something that doesn't exist? What's the point in trusting someone who will just get up and leave just like almost everyone else in my life? What's the point of anything? It's as though god hates me. Some say he's testing me. No, he's not. He's just hurting me, over and over again. I really can't take it anymore. Don't be surprised if one day I just shut myself off from the world. No one really cares anyway. Everyone who's nice to me, is doing it because they want something from me. And yet, I honestly befriend people so easily. Hoping that they wont hurt me or use me like all the others. One after another, I'm proven wrong. What to do?

I honestly don't know what else to say. If I write anymore, I will start crying. So, I'll just stop here.

Meet Muhaimin Nasir. The most annoying sweetheart I've ever known.

Hahah. Don't go jumping to conclusions! I don't like him. I just feel like blogging about him cause he never fails to put a smile on my face.

Thank you Muhaimin! :)

So, I've been kinda down lately. Feels like my friends don't even care anymore. I keep trying to plan to go out or go over to someone's house or something but it never happens. It feels like I'm the only one making an effort now. I'm really trying here guys, and you guys just don't give a damn. You guys get to see each other every week so obviously you wouldn't care if you hang out on the weekends or not. But, I'm not in the same school anymore. I see you guys like once every two or three months sometimes. I miss you guys, so much. I guess you guys don't miss me.

Oh well. I've been trying and you guys haven't. I'm getting tired of being disappointed. If you guys don't wanna make an effort, why the hell should I? I know saying that may seem selfish but, you guys are being selfish too. Whatever it is, it was one heck of a ride.

Thanks for the memories.

First day of the second semester of school. Ngeh. Wasn't looking forward to it, neither was I dreading it. Got some of my Midterm results back. Lord. I'm gonna be home for the next month or so, I can feel it. BOO. :(

I swear I just watched on of the best hindi movies on the fucking planet. Kaho Na Pyaar Hai. It means, say you love me. Sigh. As you can tell, its a love story, and just like every other hindi movie, it made me cry my eye balls out every 20 minutes. The movie is 3 hours long, thats a lot of crying. Hahah. I feel dehydrated after watching that.

Movies like this, somehow gives me the slightest bit of hope that love, exists. Hah. Somebody shoot me. After watching this, I can't help but imagining being stranded on an island with the love of my life, then he dies and I go into depression, then I find a look-a-like and I fall in love with him! Hahahah. This is coming from the girl who doesn't believe in love.

"When I look into your eyes it's over
You got me hooked with your love controller
I'm tripping and I can not get over
I'm feeling lucky like a four leaf clover
Cos i'm into you
I'm into you"

Guess what? I'm so into him. Wait, correction. I'm into THEM. Both of them. My guilty pleasure and my somewhat best friend. Hahahah. What to do? What to do?

My guilty pleasure, I'm into him because he's fun and playful and fucking hard to get. Its a nice change that I'm chasing him as much as he's chasing me. Heheh

My somewhat best friend, I'm into him because he's such a sweetheart. He knows how to make me smile even though I've have a fucked up day. Sigh.

Fuck my life like right now. So confusing.

"Dont you see the light, boy.
I could blow your mind, boy.
Let me be your new toy.
I do what I want and I get what I want when I want it, w-want it, w-want it.
Im not gonna stop til I get what you got til I got it, g-got it, g-got it."

Heh. Remember that boy I wrote about? My guilty pleasure? Hahahah. Well, he is such a tease! Hot and cold. Lord, its so frustrating. But I like it. Hahahah. Its keeping me interested. Fuck this is fun. :}

"no time to wait on the side,
watching it all pass me by,
i'm gonna be in the game,
watch me play it,
i'm coming with it ya know,
let's get to starting the show,
turn up the lights, hit the stage,
no more waiting."

I am a horrible human being. I can not believe what I did. I know nothing happened but, I still feel horrible. Ugh. Whatever it is, I had fun that day. Sigh. I actually wouldn't mind doing it again. You know what? I know this may sound horrible but, I have the right to be happy too. I'm tired of giving up my happiness so my friends can be happy. Ugh. This is ridiculous.

Guilt is a small price to pay for happiness.

Meet my biological mother, Sendi Munan, now known as Erika Krishnan. Mother to 5 children after me, namely, Gabrielle, Danielle, Michelle (ripped off my damn name), Isabelle, and Samuel. Wife to David Krishnan. She now lives somewhere in Australia. Hmm. What else do I know about this stranger? Nothing.

Yeap, I know nothing about my own mother. Why? She left me. When I was barely two years old. Not only did she leave me, she hasn't even tried to contact me. I haven't spoken or heard from her in fifteen years. Fuck she left before I spoke, walked or had hair. I know I always tell my friends that I don't care or whatever because "I don't know her. How can you miss or even care about someone you don't know?" and for the longest time I believed that. Recently she's been on my mind and I don't know why. Maybe she's dying or something. Ugh. I should take that back.

I hate this woman so fucking much you have no idea.

"Five-thousand miles with * traffic of you in my mind,
There'll be pain, there'll be glory.
Girl you don't need to worry;
Cause my heart will wait.
My heart will wait for you.
My heart will wait.
My hearts gonna wait for you always."

Songs like this, bullshit. Total bullshit. Yes, I don't believe in love. You may care for someone with all your heart, but unless they raised you, you don't really love them. And songs like this irritate the hell out of me. I don't freaking care if its a good song or not, its a lie. I bet the person who wrote this song no longer feels this way about the person they wrote it about. Ugh.

I mean, I don't even know why, but I just get so irritated when I think about the meaning behind the songs. There are like sixteen year olds writing songs about love and how they'll love you forever and all that crap. Are you for real? You don't even know what love is. Nobody does. They say you'll feel it and you'll know its love. Who the fuck is this 'they' everyone is always referring to? I bet 'they' were high when they told you that.

Love is fake, totally fictional. Its just an excuse for people to have sex.

"A lot of girls are sexy
But you know how to use it
You can keep me
Up on the phone all night
We say let's hang up on three
But we don't ever do it
Ain't it crazy
How after all this time
We got that you hang up
No, you hang up kinda love"

No U Hang Up - Shayne Ward. My current obsession. Hahahah. I want a 'you hand up, no, you hang up, kinda love' too! Ugh. Don't mind me, I'll just be here, jealous as fuck.