Do you have any idea what its like to not want to get our of bed every morning, just because you don’t want to go and deal with all the bullshit outside your bed? Do you know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you? How about what its like to be completely repulsed by things you used to cherish and love? To feel completely lost in the dark and not knowing if there’s a way out? When you feel like you don't have the strength to make it through to the whole day, let alone the next one, without breaking down? To not be able to explain how you feel, at all? To have everyone constantly asking if you’re okay until it gets to a point where no one asks, which makes you wonder if they don’t notice or if they just don’t care? To have no energy to do anything? How about to feel completely worthless? To hate who you are and how you look? To feel like you have no control whatsoever, over anything? To not know where you belong? To feel trapped in a world full of ugly and nasty things? The feeling of being afraid of whats on the other side? To be hurting constantly? To know there’s no one to save you from the way you feel? To realise the only one truly hurting you is yourself and there’s nothing you can do about it?

This is how I feel. Every single day.

Exactly 4 months and 1 day ago, we met for the very first time. Ridiculous isn’t it? How quickly this complete stranger became the one I cherished most. Its stupid really. I don’t trust easily, I told you that. It hurt when I let go, but I knew it was for the best. I had to do it, for myself. You left, just like I knew you would, and I accepted that. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I cried. But I accepted it. You weren’t good for me. Case closed.

Then I find this amazing guy. He reminds me so much of you its horrifying. The way you tilt your head, that smirk you do, you guys love the same movies, you’re both soft spoken, etc. It hurts every time I’m with him. The things he does, makes me think of you. Maybe thats why my guard is up more than usual. You made me this pathetic, low self esteem, psychopath. I can’t let him in the way I did with you. I really want to, I just can’t. Im terrified that history will repeat itself. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even try with him. Not only because I’m scared he’ll hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to have him love me, or so he says, and not completely feel the same way. Maybe one day, I’d get over this whole thing and be normal again.

The reason why all this suddenly exploded in my face is because you keep popping out, everywhere. What does this mean? Lets just leave it at that.

I sincerely apologise for being such a brat about this. Give me time. I’ll get over it.

I just experienced the best first kiss anyone could ask for. It felt like the ones that you only see in movies.

You know those typical goodnight kisses? He walks you to your door, and you hug him around his neck so his arms are around your waist. Then you pull away and he doesn’t let go. Then you lean in to kiss him and yeah. Magic. Fireworks. Call it what you want, it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before.

This didn’t feel just like lips. I suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I got butterflies in my tummy and my cheeks were burning up, beginning to blush. The blood and adrenaline rushing through my veins in a way I have never felt before. My heart was beating so fast I could’ve sworn he could hear it.

He is my teenage dream. ♥